Lecture 3. Personal Relationships

 

Families: A Fictional Case

As in Russia and everywhere else, private relationships are partly dependent on economic conditions, health and social welfare, and expectations about the future for people themselves and their children. The simplest way to illustrate some of the typical experiences and concerns of people in their private lives in contemporary Britain is to describe an imaginary family. This enables us to discuss some of the changes in attitudes towards personal relationships and family life which have occurred over the last thirty years. As far as possible we shall also try to explain why these changes have happened.

Parents and Children

(i) The Taylor Family (1962-1985)

The family is mostly English. Bill and Carol Taylor are both in their early fifties (in 1991). Carol’s parents, David and Gwynneth Williams are Welsh. They are now in their late seventies and live in a small town in South Wales. Bill’s mother, Joan, lives in a North London suburb. His father died five years ago.

Bill and Carol have been married for thirty years. They have three children: Sarah, now aged 28 (in 1991), Peter aged 26 and Kate aged 23. The family are not typical – for how can any family be ‘typical’? – but as a reasonably prosperous middle-class family living in the south of England they are probably quite like many of the families you will meet if you come to England.

Bill and Carol live on a housing estate in a pleasant outer suburb of West London. Bill used to work in the middle of London but now his firm has moved to a market town to the west of the capital and he can either drive there or catch a suburban train. He works for a firm which provides advice and materials for health and safety at work, and he is the technical specialist on noise stress. He enjoys his work, including meeting clients and working out the technical problems of reducing noise in factories and workshops, but when he was younger he dreamt of becoming a professional musician, and now he plays the cello regularly in a local amateur orchestra. Bill studied engineering at university, specialising in acoustics. Carol did not go to university (far fewer people did in the 1950’s) but she studied for two years at a teacher training college and taught for four years at a primary school before her eldest child was born.

Bill and Carol met in 1959 when he was 22 and she was 20. They married two years later and live first in a rented flat in an inner London suburb. Carol took it for granted that she would have several children and was delighted when Sarah was born, even though it meant that she had to give up her job. There were virtually no crèches (for small children) in those days, and no part-time work in schools so she did not have much choice. Bill was not sure that he wanted children so soon, but agreed that if Carol was going to be a full-time housewife, she might just as well have another baby quickly as a companion for Sarah.

A flat with a living room, two bedrooms (one of them tiny) and a small kitchen was cramped for a family of four, so they decided to buy a house. In those days housing was much cheaper, but with just one income, it was not easy. Bill’s parents lent him the money for the mortgage deposit, and Bill, at that time a junior engineer in a very large firm, looked forward to promotion in the coming ‘technological revolution’ which was prophesied. (But he knew that in marrying Carol and settling for a family he had lost his chance of becoming a professional cellist.)

They found a typical 1928 semi-detached house, and it was here that Kate was born in 1968. In 1974 (by which time Bill was testing equipment in another firm) they moved to a 4-bedroomed house on a modern estate. That is where Bill and Carol still live. It is much like the typical house, but has four bedrooms instead of three, and although one of these is tiny (room for bed and not much more) it means that the living-room area downstairs is correspondingly larger. There is also a small study/dining room downstairs, besides the kitchen and living room. The Taylor children live in comfort.

The three children grew up in the sixties, seventies and early eighties when a family routine was established similar to that of most children on the estate. They attended the local schools, leaving home at about 8.15 in the morning and returning home at about four in the afternoon. The primary school was on the estate, but the comrehensive (secondary school) was fifteen minutes away by bicycle. At home after school and at weekends they played with friends, joining varios groups and clubs, watched television, did not-quite-enough home-work, listened to music, tidied rooms and helped sporadically around the house, ate, read books, mowed the lawn, visited friends they saw every day, listened to records, watched more television, helped with the decorating, read more books, ate and spent a lot of time doing nothing very much. When they were young, Carol prepared a special children’s tea for them after school, but from the age of ten they joined Bill and Carol for a ‘proper supper’ after Bill arrived home from work. On school days they ate ‘school dinners’ provided cheaply from the local authority; at weekends they always had sausages and mashed potatoes or fish and chips on Saturday, and roast or some other substantial piece of meat on Sundays.

Carol and Bill are very happily married but like any couple they have had plenty of worries over the children as they were growing up. Sarah was short-sighted and very shy. For a time Carol took her regularly to an eye-clinic and eventually Sarah had an operation which did not help much. Wearing glasses seemed to increase her shyness, and occasionally she cried at night because she felt lonely at school. Her parents wondered whether they ought to send her to another school but decided she would find the change a greater ordeal. Slowly, over the years, she grew out of her shyness, at least when she was in familiar situations. She worked hard and got quite good marks for her lessons; she had also inherited her father’s musical gifts and learn to play the flute, so she was able to join first the school orchestra and later a west London youth orchestra. Carol worried how Sarah would be able to cope with the loud , self-conscious world of the 1970’s with teenagers running wild and much more open sex advertising and exploitation (it seemed) than in her youth. But somehow it didn’t affect Sarah. For a time in her early teens she joined the Girl Guides. The Guides and Scouts are the largest youth organisation in Britain but most of Sarah’s contemporaries thought of them as ‘old-fashioned’, boring, restrictive, militaristic and anti-individualist. Sarah enjoyed the meetings, activities, responsibilities and sense of a structure in which she knew where she was and could feel clear about her duties and responsibilities. But one day she woke up and thought, ‘I’ve grown out of the Guides’ and never went to another meeting. In her last years at school she, like her father, thought about applying to study music at the Royal College of Music, but she decided that she was not good enough to become a professional player, so, since she had good marks for geography in the difficult national A-level exam, she applied to read geography at a provincial university with a good reputation in the subject. To her own surprise she was quickly told that she had been awarded a place and in September 1981 she became a university student.

Peter was a cheerful boy, energetic and lazy by turns. From babyhood he was tended to be too fat, and since he was always hungry he used to fill himself with chips, cakes, sweets, coca-cola and other fattening foods. Carol had daily battles to keep his weight down, for she knew how unhealthy over-weight people could become. She insisted on his eating fruit, not sweets, but he bought sweets with his pocket money anyway. When he was twelve he decided that his pocket money was not sufficient for his needs. (His parents gave him a weekly sum with which he could have bought – for example – 200 grams of wrapped sweets or a part of his model aeroplane or, after three weeks of saving, a penknife.) He helped a neighbour build a garage and earned a few pounds for his labour, and then, when he was thirteen he took on a newspaper round. He got up at 6 a.m. every morning, cycled to the newsagents where they were sorting out the papers, took his own heavy bundles and delivered them to houses on his route. Then he cycled home, ate his breakfast, rushed through the last of his homework and cycled to school. For delivering newspapers six days a week he received four times as much as his weekly pocket money. Bill and Carol made him put half his earnings in a saving bank; with the other half he bought rock records. He was still overweight and the doctor insisted that he should exercise, so he began swimming at the local pool, found he was good at it, and became a club and competition swimmer. By the time he was fifteen he was entering competitions some distance from his home. At first Bill and Carol drove him to the competition in the car, but this was soon impracticable. Peter went by himself, perfectly happy, stayed with ‘friends’ and was often away for most of the weekend. His parents had been delighted with his sporting enthusiasm but suddenly found themselves worried because they were never quite sure where he was or whom he was with. Peter always turned up on Sunday evenings having had a ‘great time’ swimming. But was it right to let a fourteen-year-old go off by himself so much? Peter said, ‘Why not? You didn’t complain the first time.’ Carol and Bill said one time was different from many times. Peter said, ‘Why? I can look after myself.’ However he was getting bad marks at school, and Bill said that unless they improved he would forbid Peter to go swimming. Peter said, ‘I thought you were glad about my swimming. Now you want to stop me enjoying myself healthily!’ Carol suddenly noticed that he had grown into a large young adult.

After his O-levels at which he did not do very well, Peter stayed at school for half a year, doing nothing very much. Bill and Carol talked to his teachers who said that he had the ability to get a place at university if he worked very hard – but that he was not showing many signs of doing so. At home there were many anxious debates. Peter said he was fed up with exams and schoolwork, and that he could easily get a job in the local supermarket. His parents said this was ridiculous; such jobs were fun for a time but not for life or when one needed a proper income on which to bring up a family; for that he needed qualifications. Otherwise there was a real danger of unemployment. At this time in Britain nearly three million people (about 12% of the labour force) were out of work. Eventually Peter left school and attended some courses in engineering and technical studies at the local College of Further Education while he continued to earn money working part-time in various shops in the area. He joined other swimming clubs and was often away from home.

Kate was a restless baby. She never seemed to sleep, particularly at night, and for two years Carol felt exhausted. Bill and she took turns at getting up in the night to look after the baby, but both of them felt that it was unfair on Bill who had to wake early for his work. They came near to serious quarreling. Bill said that Carol had wanted a third baby and therefore Kate was Carol’s responsibility. Carol said she had to look after her all day and desperately needed sleep at night; although she was normally a cheerful person she often found herself in tears, especially when Sarah and Peter kept telling her that they didn’t like the new baby. Eventually Gwynneth and David, Carol’s parents, offered to look after Kate for a time – together with Sarah. Bill’s parents, then both alive, said that they would look after Peter. Sarah said she wasn’t going to Wales with Kate, she wanted to be with Peter. Carol and Bill worried about what was right for everyone and eventually sent Sarah, tearful and angry, to Wales with Kate. Granny Gwynneth came to collect them. Everybody had a wonderful time. Carol and Bill slept and slept, Peter was sent off to play with his cousins, Kate learnt to sleep and Sarah learnt to be fond of her little sister as well as her Granny and Grandad. Such breaks are necessary for everyone. But the day after the family was re-united Sarah developed chicken pox and eventually all three children had it; Carol thought of those months as a terrible spring, but afterwards, somehow, Kate was no longer a baby but a little girl.

Kate grew up to be very clever at her lessons but difficult at school. Sometimes she was bullied by other children, sometimes she went round hitting other children with her satchel. Carol (and Bill when he was free) spent many hours at Kate’s school, talking to the teachers. They wanted to protect her from the cruel behaviour of other children but also to condemn her own violent behaviour. It was difficult to do either.

Later, when she went to the comprehensive school, when she was eleven, Kate had many friends – quite unlike her sister, Sarah. Previously her parents had been worried about Sarah’s loneliness and Peter’s disappearances to spend weekends with other people. And now Kate had lots of friends and brought them all home from school! But somehow this was also a problem because several of her friends were (Carol and Bill thought) rude, clumsy and seemed to have no sense of the decent rules of family life. Bill was going to stop all her friends coming into the house when he found one boy drunk and asleep on his sofa – and only sixteen! But Carol said that forbidding them to come would not persuade Kate to abandon them, and, in any case, the girl ‘had the right to her own life’. Bill said, ‘Not if she is behaving like a child and going along a destructive path.’ Kate, then aged 14½ said, of course, that she was not a child, and it wasn’t her fault that the boy was drunk. One day the father of one of these doubtful friends phoned in fury: Kate had persuaded his daughter to play truant from school and spend the day exploring some notorious spots of London. ‘God knows what they were up to in those districts,’ shouted the father. ‘Drugs! Violence! Prostitution! They might have been murdered!’

Many angry and tearful scenes between Kate and her parents seemed to get nowhere. ‘Why are you so suspicious?’ asked Kate. ‘It’s our duty,’ said Bill. ‘What about drugs?’ ‘I’m not on drugs,’ said Kate. ‘I don’t even smoke much cannabis.’ At this point Bill hit the roof. Cannabis is illegal in Britain although millions of teenagers and older people smoke it. Teenagers do not regard it as a serious drug, but the police do and so did Bill. Kate said, ‘I shan’t stop. Are you going to report me to the police? Most parents understand.’

By the time she was sixteen Kate had been out with several boys. Then there was Joe. Joe and Kate went on long walks (‘all right?’ worried Carol) and then started going to discos and getting back late. Carol and Bill tried to make rules which had never been necessary for Sarah or Peter. Kate continued to come home late. Carol tried to talk about teenage sexual behaviour, but she sounded cold, false, and critical to her daughter. Kate, at sixteen, went to the doctor and (much more nervous than she appeared) explained that she needed a prescription for contraceptive pills. Thereafter she and Joe went off to the room he was renting (he was older than her) and made love whenever she was able to get free from school.

Despite all these serious preoccupations she continued to do very well at school. She enjoyed the hard work demanded of her in her A-level course, and also took part in a school play where she enjoyed acting a coarse comic role. She joined demonstrations against nuclear weapons (in Britain – and the rest of the world) and against destroying the Amazon rain forests. She and Bill argued a lot about politics. One day she was arrested for blocking a gate while protesting at a demonstration. Bill had to go to the police station, where he suddenly found he was more angry with the police than with his daughter. He came home with her, reflecting that he had never expected to find himself so involved in a world of troubled adolescents, difficulties with the police, drugs, teenage sexual passions, truancy, political demonstrations, everything which the newspapers attacked as so dreadful – when really it was all to do with his daughter. At home, Kate rushed to phone Joe – and after a long, long time, came back to her parents crying desperately. Joe had left her. It was the end of the affair. Eventually Carol gathered them all together, including Sarah, home from the university, and Peter, home from a friend, and they all sat round sharing a bottle of wine (and then another one), and Peter said, while Kate sat chewing her handkerchief and re-telling her story. ‘It’s a bit like the old days – when we were little.’ And so it was.

In this summary story of the Taylors we see the problems rather than the pleasures to illustrate typical dilemmas for parents in British families today. From the parents’ point of view, they want to bring up their children to be healthy, happy, hard-working, attractive, kind, sociable, good at lessons, good at sport, with other interests as well, and to have in front of them successful careers in which they will earn a good living, get married, have children and live happy lives. These are the popular ambitions of a very high proportion of British parents.

But parents also know that children are different from one another, and that they need to develop at their own pace and in their own way. Consequently they are faced with all sorts of dilemmas in the upbringing of their families.