CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Oz
ALREADY, THE DAY HADN’T STARTED OFF WELL. ABBY was somewhere with America, trying to talk her out of dumping Shepley, and Shepley was chewing off his fingernails in the living room, waiting for Abby to work a miracle.
I’d taken the puppy out once, paranoid that America would pull up at any moment and ruin the surprise.
Even though I’d fed him and given him a towel to snuggle up with, he was whining.
Sympathy wasn’t my strong point, but no one could blame him. Sitting in a tiny box wasn’t anyone’s idea of a good time. Thankfully, seconds before they returned, the little mongrel had quieted down and gone to sleep.
“They’re back!” Shepley said, jumping off the couch.
“Okay,” I said, quietly shutting Shepley’s door behind me. “Play it coo—”
Before my sentence was complete, Shepley had opened the door and run down the stairs. The doorway was a great spot to watch Abby smile at Shepley and America’s eager reconciliation. Abby shoved her hands into her back pockets and walked to the apartment.
The fall clouds cast a gray shadow over everything, but Abby’s smile was like summertime. With each step she took that brought her closer to where I stood, my heart pounded harder against my chest.
“And they lived happily ever after,” I said, closing the door behind her.
We sat together on the couch, and I pulled her legs onto my lap.
“What do you wanna do today, Pidge?”
“Sleep. Or rest . . . or sleep.”
“Can I give you your present, first?”
She pushed my shoulder. “Shut up. You got me a present?”
“It’s not a diamond bracelet, but I thought you’d like it.”
“I’ll love it, sight unseen.”
I lifted her legs off of my lap and went to retrieve her gift. I tried not to shake the box, hoping the puppy wouldn’t wake up and make any noises to tip her off. “Ssshhhh, little man. No crying, okay? Be a good boy.”
I sat the box at her feet, crouching behind it. “Hurry, I want you to be surprised.”
“Hurry?” she asked, lifting the lid. Her mouth fell open. “A puppy?” she shrieked, reaching into the box. She lifted the puppy to her face, trying to keep hold of it as it wiggled and stretched its neck, desperate to cover her mouth with kisses.
“You like him?”
“Him? I love him! You got me a puppy!”
“It’s a cairn terrier. I had to drive three hours to pick him up Thursday after class.”
“So when you said you were going with Shepley to take his car to the shop . . .”
“We went to get your present.” I nodded.
“He’s wiggly!” She laughed.
“Every girl from Kansas needs a Toto,” I said, trying to keep the fur ball from falling off her lap.
“He does look like Toto! That’s what I’m going to call him,” she said, wrinkling her nose at him.
She was happy, and that made me happy.
“You can keep him here. I’ll take care of him for you when you’re back at Morgan, and it’s my security that you’ll visit when your month is up.”
“I would have come back anyway, Trav.”
“I’d do anything for that smile that’s on your face right now.”
My words made her pause, but she quickly turned her attention back to the dog. “I think you need a nap, Toto. Yes, you do.”
I nodded, pulled her onto my lap, and then lifted her with me as I stood. “Come on, then.”
I carried her to the bedroom, pulled back the covers, and then lowered her to the mattress. The action itself would have been a turn-on, but I was too tired. I reached over her to pull the curtains closed, and then fell onto my pillow.
“Thanks for staying with me last night,” she said, her voice a bit hoarse and sleepy. “You didn’t have to sleep on the bathroom floor.”
“Last night was one of the best nights of my life.”
She turned to shoot me a dubious look. “Sleeping in between the toilet and the tub on a cold, hard tile floor with a vomiting idiot was one of your best nights? That’s sad, Trav.”
“No, sitting up with you when you were sick, and you falling asleep in my lap, was one of my best nights. It wasn’t comfortable, I didn’t sleep worth a shit, but I brought in your nineteenth birthday with you, and you’re actually pretty sweet when you’re drunk.”
“I’m sure between the heaving and purging I was very charming.”
I pulled her close, patting Toto, who was snuggled up to her neck. “You’re the only woman I know that still looks incredible with your head in the toilet. That’s saying something.”
“Thanks, Trav. I won’t make you babysit me again.”
I leaned against my pillow. “Whatever. No one can hold your hair back like I can.”
She giggled and closed her eyes. As tired as I was, it was difficult to stop watching her. Her face was makeup free except for the thin skin under her lower lashes that was still a little stained with mascara. She fidgeted a bit before her shoulders relaxed.
I blinked a few times, my eyes getting heavier each time they closed. It seemed I’d just fallen asleep when I heard the doorbell.
Abby didn’t even stir.
Two male voices murmured in the living room, one of them Shepley’s. America’s voice was a high-pitched break between the two, but none of them sounded happy. Whoever it was wasn’t just making a social call.
Footsteps sounded in the hall, and then the door blew open. Parker stood in the doorway. He looked at me, and then at Abby, his jaw tense.
I knew what he thought, and it crossed my mind to explain why Abby was in my bed, but I didn’t.
Instead I reached over and rested my hand on her hip.
“Shut the door when you’re finished being in my business,” I said, resting my head next to Abby’s.
Parker walked away without a word. He didn’t slam my door, instead putting his full force behind closing the front door. Shepley peeked into my room. “Shit, bro. That’s not good.” It was done; couldn’t change it now. The consequences weren’t a concern in the moment, but lying next to Abby, scanning over her perfectly content, beautiful face, the panic slowly crept in. When she found out what I’d done, she would hate me.
THE GIRLS LEFT FOR CLASS THE NEXT MORNING IN A rush. Pidge barely had time to speak to me before she left, so her feelings about the day before were definitely less than clear.
I brushed my teeth and got dressed, and then found Shepley in the kitchen.
He sat on a stool in front of the breakfast bar, slurping milk from his spoon. He wore a hoodie and the pink boxers America had bought him because she thought they were “sexy.”
I pulled a glass from the dishwasher and filled it with OJ. “Looks like you two worked it out.”
Shepley smiled, looking nearly drunk with contentment. “We did. Have I ever told you what America is like in bed right after we argue?”
I made a face. “No, and please don’t.”
“Fighting with her like that is scary as hell, but tempting if we make up like that every time.” When I didn’t answer, Shepley continued. “I’m going to marry that woman.”
“Yeah. Well, when you’re done being a pansy ass, we need to be on our way.”
“Shut your face, Travis. Don’t think I’m oblivious to what’s going on with you.”
I crossed my arms. “And what’s going on with me?”
“You’re in love with Abby.”
“Pft. You were obviously making shit up in your head to keep your mind off America.”
“You’re denying it?” Shepley’s eyes didn’t flinch, and I tried to look everywhere but into them.
After a full minute, I shifted nervously but remained silent.
“Who’s being a pansy ass, now?”
“Fuck you.”
“Admit it.”
“No.”
“No, you’re not denying that you’re in love with Abby, or no you won’t admit it? Because either way, asshole, you’re in love with her.”
“. . . So?”
“I KNEW IT!” Shepley said, kicking the stool back, making it skid to where the wood floor met the rug in the living room.
“I . . . just . . . shut up, Shep,” I said. My lips formed a hard line.
Shepley pointed at me while walking to his room. “You just admitted to it. Travis Maddox in love.
Now I’ve heard everything.”
“Just put your panties on, and let’s go!”
Shepley chuckled to himself in his bedroom, and I stared at the floor. Saying it out loud—to someone else—made it real, and I wasn’t sure what to do with it.
Less than five minutes later, I was fiddling with the radio in the Charger while Shepley was pulling out of the parking lot of our apartment complex.
Shepley seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood as we weaved through traffic and slowed down just enough to keep from tossing pedestrians over the hood. He finally found a suitable parking space, and we headed to English Comp II—the one class we shared.
The top row had been me and Shepley’s new seating arrangement for several weeks in an attempt to break free of the flock of baggable females that usually crowded my desk.
Dr. Park breezed into the classroom, dumping off a tote bag, a briefcase, and a cup of coffee onto her desk. “Christ! It’s cold!” she said, pulling her coat tighter around her tiny frame. “Is everyone here?”
Hands shot up, and she nodded, not really paying attention. “Great. Good news. Pop quiz!”
Everyone groaned, and she smiled. “You’ll still love me. Paper and pen, people, I don’t have all day.”
The room filled with the same sound as everyone reached for their supplies. I scribbled my name at the top of my paper and smiled at Shepley’s panicked whispers.
“Why? Pop quiz in Comp Two? Fucking ridiculous,” he hissed.
The quiz was fairly harmless, and her lecture ended with another paper being due by the end of the week. In the last minutes of class, a guy in the row directly ahead of me craned his neck back. I recognized him from class. His name was Levi, but I only knew that because I’d heard Dr. Park call on him several times. His greasy dark hair was always slicked back, away from his pockmarked face. Levi was never in the cafeteria, or in any fraternity. He wasn’t on the football team, either, and never at any parties. Not any that I frequented, anyway.
I looked down at him, and then turned my attention back to Dr. Park, who was sharing a story about the latest visit from her favorite gay friend.
My eyes drifted down again. He was still staring.
“Need something?” I asked.
“I just heard about Brazil’s party this weekend. Well played.”
“Huh?”
The girl to his right, Elizabeth, turned too, her light brown hair bouncing. Elizabeth was the girlfriend of one of my frat brothers. Her eyes lit up. “Yeah. Sorry I missed that show.”
Shepley leaned forward. “What? Me and Mare’s fight?”
The guy chuckled. “No. Abby’s party.”
“The birthday party?” I asked, trying to think of what he could be referring to. Several things had happened that would have the rumor mills churning, but nothing some random guy from oblivion would hear about.
Elizabeth checked to see if Dr. Park was looking in our direction, and then turned back around. “Abby and Parker.”
Another girl turned. “Oh, yeah. I heard Parker walked in on you two the next morning. Is it true?”
“You heard where?” I asked, adrenaline screaming through my veins.
Elizabeth shrugged. “Everywhere. People were talking about it in my class this morning.”
“Mine, too,” Levi said.
The other girl just nodded.
Elizabeth turned around a bit more, leaning in my direction. “Did she really go at it with Parker in Brazil’s hallway, and then go home with you?”
Shepley frowned. “She’s staying with us.”
“No,” the girl beside Elizabeth said. “Her and Parker were making out on Brazil’s couch, and then she got up, danced with Travis, Parker left all pissed, and she left with Travis . . . and Shepley.”
“That’s not what I heard,” Elizabeth said, visibly trying to contain her enthusiasm. “I heard it was a threesome sort of deal. So . . . which is it, Travis?”
Levi seemed to be enjoying the conversation. “I’d always heard it was the other way around.”
“What’s that?” I asked, already irritated with his tone.
“Parker getting your sloppy seconds.”
I narrowed my eyes. Whoever this guy was, he knew way more about me than he should. I leaned down. “That’s some more of your fucking business, asshole.”
“Okay,” Shepley said, putting his hand on my desk.
Levi immediately turned, and Elizabeth’s eyebrows shot up before she followed behind him.
“Fucking dirtbag,” I grumbled. I looked to Shepley. “Lunch is next. Someone’s going to say something to her. They’re saying we both bagged her. Fuck. Fuck, Shepley what do I do?”
Shepley immediately began shoving his things in his backpack, and I did the same.
“Dismissed,” Dr. Park said. “Get the hell out and be productive citizens today.”
My backpack thumped against my lower back as I sprinted across campus, making a beeline for the cafeteria. America and Abby came into sight, just a few steps from the entrance.
Shepley grabbed America’s arm. “Mare,” he puffed.
I grabbed my hips, trying to catch my breath.
“Is there a mob of angry women chasing you?” Abby teased.
I shook my head. My hands were trembling, so I gripped the straps of my backpack. “I was trying to catch you . . . before you . . . went in,” I breathed.
“What’s going on?” America asked Shepley.
“There’s a rumor,” Shepley began. “Everyone’s saying that Travis took Abby home and . . . the details are different, but it’s pretty bad.”
“What? Are you serious?” Abby cried.
America rolled her eyes. “Who cares, Abby? People have been speculating about you and Trav for weeks. It’s not the first time someone has accused you two of sleeping together.”
I looked at Shepley, hoping he’d figured a way out of the predicament I’d gotten myself into.
“What?” Abby said. “There’s something else, isn’t there?”
Shepley winced. “They’re saying you slept with Parker at Brazil’s, and then you let Travis . . . take you home, if you know what I mean.”
Her mouth fell open. “Great! So I’m the school slut now?”
I had done this, and of course it was Abby that was getting the shit end of the stick. “This is my fault. If it was anyone else, they wouldn’t be saying that about you.” I walked into the cafeteria, my hands in fists at my sides.
Abby sat, and I made sure to sit a few seats across and down from her. Rumors had been spread about me bagging girls before, and sometimes Parker’s name was even mentioned, too, but I never cared until now. Abby didn’t deserve to be thought of that way just because she was my friend.
“You don’t have to sit down there, Trav. Come on, come sit,” Abby said, patting the empty table space in front of her.
“I heard you had quite a birthday, Abby,” Chris Jenks said, throwing a piece of lettuce onto my plate.
“Don’t start with her, Jenks,” I warned, glowering.
Chris smiled, pushing up his round, pink cheeks. “I heard Parker is furious. He said he came by your apartment yesterday, and you and Travis were still in bed.”
“They were taking a nap, Chris,” America sneered.
Abby’s eyes darted to me. “Parker came by?”
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. “I was gonna tell you.”
“When?” she snapped.
America leaned into her ear, probably explaining what everyone else but Abby knew.
Abby put her elbows on the table, covering her face with her hands. “This just keeps getting better.”
“So you guys really didn’t do the deed?” Chris asked. “Damn, that sucks. Here I thought Abby was right for you after all, Trav.”
“You better stop now, Chris,” Shepley warned.
“If you didn’t sleep with her, mind if I take a shot?” Chris said, chuckling to his teammates.
Without thinking, I jumped from my seat, and climbed over the table at Chris. His face metamorphosed in slow motion from smiling to wide eyes and an open mouth. I grabbed Chris by the throat with one hand, and a fistful of his T-shirt in the other. My knuckles barely felt the connection with his face. My rage was full blown and I was just short of letting everything fly. Chris covered his face, but I kept whaling on him.
“Travis!” Abby screamed, running around the table.
My fist froze midflight, and then I released Chris’s shirt, letting him crumble into a ball on the floor.
Abby’s expression made me falter; she was afraid of what she’d just seen. She swallowed, and took a step back. Her fear only made me more angry, not at her, but because I was ashamed of myself.
I shouldered past her and shoved through everyone else in my way. Two for two. First, I’d managed to help start a rumor about the girl I was in love with, and then scared her half to death.
The solitude of my bedroom seemed like the only place fit for me. I was too ashamed to even seek the advice of my father. Shepley caught up with me. Without a word, he got into the Charger next to me and started the engine.
We didn’t speak as Shepley drove to the apartment. The scene that would inevitably go down when Abby decided to come home was something my mind didn’t want to process.
Shepley brought his car to a stop in its usual parking spot, and I got out, walking up the stairs like a zombie. There was no possible good ending. Either Abby was going to leave because she was afraid of what she saw, or even worse—I had to release her from the bet so she could leave, even if she didn’t want to.
My heart had been back and forth between leaving Abby alone and deciding it was okay to pursue her more times than a freshly single sorority girl on the second floor of a frat house. Once inside, I threw my backpack against the wall, and made sure to slam the bedroom door behind me. It didn’t make me feel better, in fact, stomping around like a toddler reminded me just how much of Abby’s time I was wasting by pursuing her—if it could be called that.
The high-pitched hum of America’s Honda idled briefly before she cut the engine. Abby would be with her. She would either come in screaming, or the complete opposite. I wasn’t sure which would make me feel worse.
“Travis?” Shepley said, opening the door.
I shook my head, and then sat on the edge of the bed. It sank under my weight.
“You don’t even know what she’s going to say. She could just be checking on you.”
“I said no.”
Shepley closed the door. The trees outside were brown and beginning to shed what color remained.
Soon they would be leafless. By the time the last leaves fell, Abby would be gone. Damn, I felt depressed.
A few minutes later, another knock on the door. “Travis? It’s me. Open up.”
I sighed. “Walk away, Pidge.”
The door creaked when she cracked it open. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t have to. Toto was behind me, and his small tail was beating my back at the sight of her.
“What is going on with you, Trav?” she asked.
I didn’t know how to tell her the truth, and part of me knew she wouldn’t hear me, anyway, so I just stared out the window, counting the falling leaves. With each one that detached and floated to the ground, we were one more closer to Abby disappearing from my life. My own natural hourglass.
Abby stood beside me, crossing her arms. I waited for her to yell, or chastise me somehow for the meltdown in the cafeteria.
“You’re not going to talk to me about this?”
She began to turn for the door, and I sighed. “You know the other day when Brazil mouthed off to me and you rushed to my defense? Well . . . that’s what happened. I just got a little carried away.”
“You were angry before Chris said anything,” she said, sitting next to me on the bed. Toto immediately crawled into her lap, begging for attention. I knew the feeling. All the antics, my stupid stunts; everything was to somehow get her attention, and she seemed oblivious to it all. Even my crazy behavior.
“I meant what I said before. You need to walk away, Pidge. God knows I can’t walk away from you.”
She reached for my arm. “You don’t want me to leave.”
She had no idea how right—and how wrong—she was. My conflicted feelings about her were maddening. I was in love with her; couldn’t imagine a life without her in it; but at the same time, I wanted her to have better. With that in mind, the thought of Abby with someone else was unbearable. Neither one of us could win, and yet I couldn’t lose her. The constant back and forth made me exhausted.
I pulled Abby against me, and then kissed her forehead. “It doesn’t matter how hard I try. You’re going to hate me when it’s all said and done.”
She wrapped her arms around me, linking her fingers around the cusp of my shoulder. “We have to be friends. I won’t take no for an answer.”
She’d stolen my line from our first date at the Pizza Shack. That seemed like a hundred lifetimes ago. I wasn’t sure when things had become so complicated.
“I watch you sleeping a lot,” I said, wrapping her in both of my arms. “You always look so peaceful. I don’t have that kind of quiet. I have all this anger and rage boiling inside of me—except when I watch you sleep.
“That’s what I was doing when Parker walked in. I was awake, and he walked in, and just stood there with this shocked look on his face. I knew what he thought, but I didn’t set him straight. I didn’t explain because I wanted him to think something happened. Now the whole school thinks you were with us both in the same night. I’m sorry.”
Abby shrugged. “If he believes the gossip, it’s his own fault.”
“It’s hard to think anything else when he sees us in bed together.”
“He knows I’m staying with you. I was fully clothed, for Christ’s sake.”
I sighed. “He was probably too pissed to notice. I know you like him, Pidge. I should have explained. I owe you that much.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“You’re not mad?” I asked, surprised.
“Is that what you’re so upset about? You thought I’d be mad at you when you told me the truth?”
“You should be. If someone single-handedly sunk my reputation, I’d be a little pissed.”
“You don’t care about reputations. What happened to the Travis that doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks?” she teased, nudging me with her elbow.
“That was before I saw the look on your face when you heard what everyone’s saying. I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”
“You would never do anything to hurt me.”
“I’d rather cut off my arm.” I sighed.
I relaxed my cheek against her hair. She always smelled so good, felt so good. Being near her was like a sedative. My entire body relaxed, and I was suddenly so tired, I didn’t want to move. We sat together, our arms around each other, her head tucked in against my neck, for the longest time. Nothing beyond that moment was guaranteed, so I stayed there inside of it, with Pigeon.
When the sun began to set, I heard a faint knock at the door. “Abby?” America’s voice sounded small on the other side of the wood.
“Come in, Mare,” I said, knowing she was probably worried about why we were so quiet.
America walked in with Shepley, and she smiled at the sight of us tangled in each other’s arms. “We were going to grab a bite to eat. You two feel like making a Pei Wei run?”
“Ugh . . . Asian again, Mare? Really?” I asked.
“Yes, really,” she said, seeming a little more relaxed. “You guys coming or not?”
“I’m starving,” Abby said.
“Of course you are, you didn’t get to eat lunch,” I said, frowning. I stood, raising her up with me.
“Come on. Let’s get you some food.”
I wasn’t ready to let go of her yet, so I kept my arm around her for the ride to Pei Wei. She didn’t seem to mind, and even leaned against me in the car while I conceded to share a number-four meal with her.
As soon as we found a booth, I unloaded my coat beside Abby and went to the bathroom. It was weird how everyone was pretending I hadn’t just pummeled someone a few hours ago, like nothing had happened. My hands formed a cup under the water, and I splashed my face, looking into the mirror. The water dripped from my nose and chin. Once again, I was going to have to swallow the dysphoria and go along with everyone else’s fake mood. As if we had to keep up pretenses to help Abby move through reality in her little bubble of ignorance where no one felt anything too strongly, and everything was cut-and-dried.
“Damn it! The food’s not here yet?” I asked, sliding into the booth next to Abby. Her phone lay on the table, so I picked it up, turned on the camera, made a stupid face, and snapped a picture.
“What the hell are you doing?” Abby said with a giggle.
I searched for my name, and then attached the picture. “So you’ll remember how much you adore me when I call.”
“Or what a dork you are,” America said.
America and Shepley talked most of the time about their classes and the latest gossip, taking care not to mention anyone involved in the scuffle earlier.
Abby watched them talk with her chin rested on her fist, smiling and effortlessly beautiful. Her fingers were tiny, and I caught myself noticing how naked her ring finger looked. She glanced over at me and leaned over to playfully shove me with her shoulder. She then righted herself, continuing to listen to America’s chatter.
We laughed and joked until the restaurant closed, and then crowded into the Charger to head home. I felt exhausted, and even though the day seemed long as hell, I didn’t want it to end.
Shepley carried America up the stairs on his back, but I stayed behind, tugging on Abby’s arm. I watched our friends until they went into the apartment, and then fidgeted with Abby’s hands in mine. “I owe you an apology for today, so I’m sorry.”
“You’ve already apologized. It’s fine.”
“No, I apologized for Parker. I don’t want you thinking I’m some psycho that goes around attacking people over the tiniest thing,” I said, “but I owe you an apology because I didn’t defend you for the right reason.”
“And that would be . . . ,” she prompted.
“I lunged at him because he said he wanted to be next in line, not because he was teasing you.”
“Insinuating there is a line is plenty reason for you to defend me, Trav.”
“That’s my point. I was pissed because I took that as him wanting to sleep with you.”
Abby thought for a moment, and then grabbed the sides of my shirt. She pressed her forehead against my T-shirt, into my chest. “You know what? I don’t care,” she said, looking up at me with a smile. “I don’t care what people are saying, or that you lost your temper, or why you messed up Chris’s face. The last thing I want is a bad reputation, but I’m tired of explaining our friendship to everyone. To hell with ’em.”
The corners of my mouth turned up. “Our friendship? Sometimes I wonder if you listen to me at all.”
“What do you mean?”
The bubble she surrounded herself with was impenetrable, and I wondered what would happen if I ever did make it through. “Let’s go in. I’m tired.”
She nodded, and we walked together up the stairs, and into the apartment. America and Shepley were already murmuring happily in their bedroom, and Abby disappeared into the bathroom. The pipes shrieked, and then the water in the shower beat against the tile.
Toto kept me company while I waited. She didn’t waste time; her nightly routine was complete withinthe hour.
She lay on the bed, her wet hair resting on my arm. She breathed out a long, relaxing breath. “Just two weeks left. What are you going to do for drama when I move back to Morgan?”
“I don’t know,” I said. I didn’t want to think about it.
“Hey.” She touched my arm. “I was kidding.”
I willed my body to relax against the mattress, reminding myself that for the moment, she was still next to me. It didn’t work. Nothing worked. I needed her in my arms. Enough time had been wasted. “Do you trust me, Pidge?” I asked, a little nervous.
“Yeah, why?”
“C’mere,” I said, pulling her against me. I waited for her to protest, but she only froze for a few moments before letting her body melt into mine. Her cheek relaxed against my chest.
Instantly, my eyes felt heavy. Tomorrow I would try to think of a way to postpone her departure, but in that moment, sleeping with her in my arms was the only thing I wanted to do.