Twenty-one. Jude
I lay in bed this morning going over and over in my mind the events of the night before with Cara. I was still trying to understand what had happened. By which I mean, nothing happened. We ate dinner, we listened to music, and we talked. And laughed. And talked some more. And that was it. And through it all, I tried not to look into her eyes for too long. I tried not to laugh too hard at her awful jokes. I tried not to relax or smile too long at the good music playing. I tried not to touch her any more than I had to.
But I failed.
We ate and chatted and I told myself I'd wait half an hour before making my excuses to leave. Almost three hours later, Cara walked me to the door and then we stood in an awkward silence as she waited for me to make the next move.
An offer of another date? A kiss? What?
I turned to her and said, 'Thank you for a lovely evening. I've really enjoyed myself.'
'So have I,' said Cara.
Pause.
'I hope we can do it again some time,' Cara continued.
'I hope so too,' I replied. 'Well, I'd better get going.'
I opened the front door and stepped out into the night. Truth be told, I couldn't wait to get out of there. The whole evening had been an uncomfortable mistake – because I'd enjoyed it too much. There I was chatting and eating and laughing with a Cross. As I walked away from her front door, I had to remind myself exactly why I was with her. I told myself that the end would justify the means. If I had to make love to a dagger to get the money I needed to further our cause, then I'd have to bite the bullet and do it. She was just a dagger woman – and all daggers deserved what they got. I'd get money and anything else I could from her and then cut her loose. And I needed to do it fast.
How ironic then that my evening with Cara had been the best I'd spent in a long, long time. It'd been relaxing and pleasant and only served to reinforce all the things I'd missed – not just for months but for years. There was a stillness about Cara that allowed me to be still too. A calmness around her that forced me to relax. But I wasn't going to let my guard down. Not for Cara. Not for anyone.
That would be fatal. Not just physically but mentally – which would be worse.
All of Jude's laws from one to six applied in this case – but especially number one.
Never ever allow yourself to feel. Feelings kill.