Our Chasers Aren't Cheating!
That was the stunned reaction of Quidditch fans across Britain last night when the so‑called 'Stooging Penalty' was announced by the Department of Magical Games and Sports last night.
'Instances of Stooging have been on the increase,' said a harassed‑looking Departmental representative last night. 'We feel that this new rule will eliminate the severe Keeper injuries we have been seeing only too often. From now on, one Chaser will attempt to beat the Keeper, as opposed to three Chasers beating the Keeper up. Everything will be much cleaner and fairer'.
At this point the Departmental representative was forced to retreat as the angry crowd started to bombard him with Quaffles Wizards from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement arrived to disperse the crowd, who were threatening to Stooge the Minister for Magic himself.
One freckle‑faced six‑year‑old left the hall in tears.
'I loved Stooging,' he sobbed to the Daily Prophet. 'Me and me dad like watching them Keepers flattened. I don't want to go to Quidditch no more'
Daily Prophet 22 June 1884
The Seeker
Usually the lightest and fastest fliers, Seekers need both a sharp eye and the ability to fly one‑ or no‑handed. Given their immense importance in the overall outcome of the match, for the capture of the Snitch so often snatches victory from the jaws of defeat, Seekers are most likely to be fouled by members of the opposition. Indeed, while there is considerable glamour attached to the position of Seeker, for they are traditionally the best fliers on the pitch, they are usually the players who receive the worst injuries. 'Take out the Seeker' is the first rule in Brutus Scrimgeour's The Beaters' Bible.
Rules
The following rules were set down by the Department of Magical Games and Sports upon its formation in 1750:
1. Though there is no limit imposed on the height to which a player may rise during the game, he or she must not stray over the boundary lines of the pitch. Should a player fly over the boundary, his or her team must surrender the Quaffle to the opposing team.
2. The Captain of a team may call for 'time out' by signalling to the referee. This is the only time players' feet are allowed to touch the ground during a match. Time out may be extended to a two‑hour period if a game has lasted more than twelve hours. Failure to return to the pitch after two hours leads to the team's disqualification.
3. The referee may award penalties against a team. The Chaser taking the penalty will fly from the central circle towards the scoring area. All players other than the opposing Keeper must keep well back while the penalty is taken.
4. The Quaffle may be taken from another player's grasp but under no circumstances must one player seize hold of any part of another player's anatomy.
5. In the case of injury, no substitution of players will take place. The team will play on without the injured player.
6. Wands may be taken on to the pitch1. but must under no circumstances whatsoever be used against opposing team members, any opposing team member's broom, the referee, any of the balls or any member of the crowd.
7. A game of Quidditch ends only when the Golden Snitch has been caught, or by mutual consent of the two team Captains.
Fouls
Rules are of course 'made to be broken'. Seven hundred Quidditch fouls are listed in the Department of Magical Games and Sports records, and all of them are known to have occurred during the final of the first ever World Cup in 1473. The full list of these fouls, however, has never been made available to the wizarding public. It is the Department's view that witches and wizards who see the list 'might get ideas'.
I was fortunate enough to gain access to the documents relating to these fouls while researching this book and can confirm that no public good can come of their publication. Ninety per cent of the fouls listed are, in any case, impossible as long as the ban on using wands against the opposing team is upheld (this ban was imposed in 1538). Of the remaining ten per cent, it is safe to say that most would not occur to even the dirtiest player; for example, 'setting fire to an opponent's broom tail', 'attacking an opponent's broom with a club", 'attacking an opponent with an axe'. This is not to say that modern Quidditch players never break rules. Ten common fouls are listed below. The correct Quidditch term for each foul is given in the first column.
| Name | Applies to | Description |
| Blagging | All players | Seizing opponent's broom tail to slow or hinder |
| Blatching | All players | Flying with intent to collide |
| Blurting | All players | Locking broom handles with a view to steering opponent off course |
| Bumphing | Beaters only | Hitting Bludger towards crowd, necessitating a halt of the game as officials rush to protect bystanders. Sometimes used by unscrupulous players to prevent an opposing Chaser scoring |
| Cobbing | All players | Excessive use of elbows towards opponents |
| Flacking | Keeper only | Sticking any portion of anatomy through goal hoop to punch Quaffle out. The Keeper is supposed to block the goal hoop from the front rather than the rear |
| Haversacking | Chasers only | Hand still on Quaffle as it goes through goal hoop (Quaffle must be thrown) |
| Quaffle–pocking | Chasers only | Tampering with Quaffle, e.g., puncturing it so that it falls more quickly or zig‑zags |
| Snitchnip | All players but Seeker | Any player other than Seeker touching or catching the Golden Snitch |
| Stooging | Chasers only | More than one Chaser entering the scoring area |
Referees
Refereeing a Quidditch match was once a task for only the bravest witches and wizards. Zacharias Mumps tells us that a Norfolk referee called Cyprian Youdle died during a friendly match between local wizards in 1357. The originator of the curse was never caught but is believed to have been a member of the crowd. While there have been no proven referee slayings since, there have been several incidences of broom‑tampering over the centuries, the most dangerous being the transformation of the referee's broom into a Portkey, so that he or she is whisked away from the match halfway through and turns up months later in the Sahara Desert. The Department of Magical Games and Sports has issued strict guidelines on the security measures relating to players' brooms and these incidents are now, thankfully, extremely rare.
The effective Quidditch referee needs to be more than an expert flier. He or she has to watch the antics of fourteen players at once and the most common referee's injury is consequently neck strain. At professional matches the referee is assisted by officials who stand around the boundaries of the pitch and ensure that neither players nor balls stray over the outer perimeter.
In Britain, Quidditch referees are selected by the Department of Magical Games and Sports. They have to take rigorous flying tests and an exacting written elimination on the rules of Quidditch and prove, through a series of intensive trials, that they will not jinx or curse offensive players even under severe pressure.
Chapter Seven