Sound of door being slammed
BRIDGET
Is he stupid?!
(Writes email)
‘I told you last night, it’s finished.
Sorry. B.
(And don’t call me GIGI.)’
John [on phone]
But please don’t leave me.
BRIDGET
Don’t cry.
Oh, goodbye.
Oh and happy birthday!
Aah, men!
ANNIE
Come on Charley, come on.
Post, Bridget.
Charley and I have the post, haven’t we Charley.
BRIDGET
Give me the post, Charley. [Dog growls]
Give me the post, Charley.
ANNIE
Drop it, Charley.
Oh, good boy!
Oh, telephone bill, gas bill, electricity bill.
Oh.
Ah, what’s this?
Mmm, a parcel for you, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Oh, good.
What is it?
Oh, it’s from mother.
ANNIE
Oh, ‘Bridget darling, this arrived for you and I made you this. Love Mummy.’
Oh, ho-ho, oh very you, Bridget!
BRIDGET
Mother!
Ooh, this is from Argentina.
ANNIE
Argentina. Who from? What does it say?
BRIDGET
[Erm], it says ‘Hello, do you remember me?’
No.
‘Seven years ago we was pen pals.’
‘We was’ - we were pen pals.
Oh yeah, now I remember, it’s Hector!
ANNIE
Who’s Hector?
BRIDGET
He was my pen pal seven years ago.
ANNIE
Oh.
BRIDGET
‘I speak English good now.’ I speak English good.
I speak English well now – ‘and I am coming to England.’
ANNIE
Oh, Latin Americans!
BRIDGET
‘I would like to sleep with you. Do you have a bed for me?’
Oh, he wants to stay here! [Oh]. Ah, ha, ha.
ANNIE
But [erm] what about the rules?
ANNIE
Ooh, a Latin American here, ooh, like Ricky Martin!
Tall, handsome, rich!
So [erm] when is he coming?
BRIDGET
Oh [erm] let me see.
It says ‘November 5th.’
ANNIE
Oh, November 5th.
But that’s …
BRIDGET
… Today!
Sound of knocking on door
BRIDGET and ANNIE
Aaaah!!!
BRIDGET
Oh, oh it’s you Nick!
NICK
Hi, babes!
ANNIE
Hello Nick.
How are you?
NICK
Gr-eat.
Nice muscles.
Here’s your milk.
BRIDGET
Our milk.
You mean our milk you borrowed three weeks ago.
ANNIE
Oh, thanks Nick.
NICK
[Speaking in a mock Italian accent]
I forget nothing!
ANNIE
Would you like a drink, Nick?
Would you like a drink, Nick?
Telephone rings
NICK
Uhh.
ANNIE
I said, would you like a drink, Nick?
NICK
Oh!
Sorry.
No thanks.
ANNIE
Oh, erm, Bridget’s friend is coming.
NICK
Oh yeah.
ANNIE
Aha.
From Argentina.
NICK
Wow!
From Argentina!
What’s she like?
ANNIE
She is a he!
NICK
Huh?
ANNIE
Not a girl, a boy.
NICK
Oh.
Tough guy, ay!
Why don’t I show you how to do it properly!
BRIDGET
Nick, I’ve told you before, nobody uses my bike, nobody, is that clear?
NICK
Why not?
BRIDGET
Why not?!!
If you touch my bike again, you are out - O-U-T, out. Clear?!
NICK
What?
Sound of door slamming
Sound of knocking on door
BRIDGET
I said …
HECTOR
Hello.
ANNIE
Hello.
HECTOR
I am called Argentina.
I am from Hector.
ANNIE
You mean ‘I am called Hector.’
HECTOR
You are called Hector?
ANNIE
Oh, no, no, no, I am called Annie.
HECTOR
I am called Annie.
BRIDGET
No! She means ‘I am called Hector, I am from Argentina.’
HECTOR
You are from Argentina!
BRIDGET
Oh, come in!
ANNIE [sending email]
‘Hi Nadia.
Bridget’s pen pal arrived this morning.’
HECTOR
Hello.
ANNIE [sending email]
‘He is, mmm, strange.’
NICK
Hi babes!
ANNIE
Hello Nick!
[sending email] ‘Oh and Nick from next door is so funny!
He brought our milk back from three weeks ago.’
NICK
I forget nothing!
BRIDGET [sending email]
‘Chrissy! Nick is so stupid, he touched my bike.
Men!’
BRIDGET
Nobody uses my bike, nobody, is that clear?
NICK
Why not!
BRIDGET
Why not?!!
BRIDGET [sending email]
‘Also, Hector is here from Argentina.
His English is not very good.’
HECTOR
I am called Argentina.
I am from Hector.
HECTOR
These are my cars.
BRIDGET
You play with cars?!
HECTOR
Yes, you play, no?
I play with cars.
BRIDGET
He plays with cars!
HECTOR
I read.
I love the library.
BRIDGET
Fascinating!
ANNIE
We go to the library too, don’t we, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Yes, it’s great!
HECTOR
Good.
I live here.
BRIDGET
You live in a museum, full of old things?
HECTOR
Old things.
Yes, I have lots of old things.
I live in a museum.
OK, I live in a museum.
ANNIE
Well, thank you Hector and now we’ll show you the flat.
BRIDGET
This is the bedroom.
HECTOR
Thank you.
Who-hey!!
Where do you sleep?
BRIDGET
[Erm] no you don’t understand, we only have one bedroom.
HECTOR
One?
I have twenty.
ANNIE
Twenty?
BRIDGET
Yes, he lives in a museum, with twenty bedrooms.
ANNIE
Oh! Ha-ha-ha, very funny, ha, twenty bedrooms!
Laughter
BRIDGET
Well, you can sleep here.
HECTOR
Oh, thank you.
ANNIE
Oh, no, no, no, Hector!
It’s a bed.
HECTOR
A bed?
Ah, oh …
BRIDGET
Here’s a cushion.
HECTOR
Oh, thank you.
ANNIE
Oh, this of course is the TV.
BRIDGET
But just relax, I must go to the bathroom.
Psst! Annie! Bathroom!!
Now!!
BRIDGET
Oh my goodness, what are we going to do?
He plays with toy cars!
ANNIE
He is not a sexy Argentinian.
Mm, but he is sweet.
BRIDGET
And he is polite.
BRIDGET and ANNIE
But those clothes!
ANNIE
Oh, he is so old-fashioned.
BRIDGET
Mm, he must go.
HECTOR
Room service.
NICK
Hello.
Who are you?
HECTOR
Oh, you who are quick, good.
NICK
Ay?
HECTOR
My luggage is downstairs.
NICK
What?
HECTOR
Bring it up, please.
NICK
What are you doing?
HECTOR
I pulled, you come, you are the butler.
NICK
The butler?!
I am Nick, I live next door.
HECTOR
Oh, I, … I am Hector.
NICK
Oh, Hector, from Argentina.
HECTOR
Yes, from Argentina!
NICK
Where are the girls?
HECTOR
The girls?
NICK
Yeah, Bridget and Annie.
HECTOR
Oh they live here.
NICK
Yeah, I know.
Where’s Bridget?
Does she know you are here?
HECTOR
Bridget, she gave me this.
NICK
Oh.
ANNIE
Hello Nick!
Oh, this is Hector from Argentina.
NICK
Yeah, I know.
BRIDGET
Isn’t he wonderful!
NICK
Wonderful.
BRIDGET
Are you hungry?
HECTOR
Uh?
BRIDGET
We’ll buy your lunch.
What would you like to eat?
Fish and chips?
HECTOR
Oh, fish and ships!!
[Laughs]
ANNIE
[Erm] Nick, Hector, make friends.
BRIDGET
Nick, teach Hector some English.
NICK
Yeah, OK, I’ll teach Hector some English.
NICK [sending email]
‘Yo Dan! How’s it going?!
The chicks in the apartment opposite have a visitor, Hector from Argentina.’
HECTOR
Oh, you who are quick, good.
NICK [sending email]
‘He can’t speak English.
Man! He thought I was the butler!’
HECTOR
I pulled, you come.
You are the butler.
NICK
Ha, the butler.
[sending email] ‘And even worse, I think he fancies Bridget.’
HECTOR
She gave me this.
NICK [sending email]
‘The girls have gone out, so I will teach him to speak English!’
NICK
I’ll teach Hector some English.
NICK [sending email]
‘See what I mean?
Stay cool. N.
P.S. Big decision. Today I joined an acting agency.
Brad Pitt is history!’
NICK
OK, this is the oven.
HECTOR
This is the ov-en.
NICK
Annie’s dog sleeps in the oven.
HECTOR
Annie’s dog sleeps in the oven.
NICK
So you say “Annie! The dog is in the oven!”
HECTOR
Annie, the dog is in the oven!
NICK
Gr-eat!
Now, Bridget.
Oh, oh dear.
Well Bridget likes strong men, especially strong legs.
HECTOR
Well I am strong.
NICK
Yeah?
Can you cycle fifty kilometres?
HECTOR
Yes.
NICK
No way!
HECTOR
Yes.
NICK
Well go on then, show me.
HECTOR
Yes, look!
NICK
Adios, Amigo!
HECTOR
Ah, Bridget, Annie, lunch!
Fish and chips! [Laughs]
ANNIE
Yes, lunch, Hector.
HECTOR
Look Bridget, fifty kilometres.
Oh, Annie, the dog is in the oven.
ANNIE
What?
Oh!
NICK
Hi, everything OK?
Gr-eat!
HECTOR
Pouf!
I am, how do you say?
BRIDGET
Dead!
NICK
Hot.
HECTOR
Hot.
Yeah, I am hot, I need a ..
NICK
… Shower.
HECTOR
Yeah, I need a shower.
BRIDGET
Be my guest!
HECTOR
Oh, thank you.
BRIDGET
Right, that’s it!
He must go!
NICK
Why?
He is so nice.
BRIDGET
He used my bike!
NICK
Oh!
ANNIE
Yeah, and he said that the dog was in the oven!
What a horrible joke!
Where is Charley?
Charley!
NICK
What a bad, bad boy.
BRIDGET
He must go!
ANNIE
Can he stay with you, Nick?
NICK
Ah-ah, sorry ladies.
ANNIE
Oh please Nick, you have a spare room.
NICK
No way, not my problem.
BRIDGET
He must go now!
ANNIE
But he’s in the shower.
BRIDGET
I don’t care!
Sound of knocking on door
BRIDGET
Hector, please come out, we want to talk to you.
HECTOR
[Sings in shower]
I like fish and ships, I …
Sound of knocking on door
BRIDGET
Hector, please come out, we want to talk to you.
HECTOR
OK, one moment please!
I like fish and chips!
Yes, you want me.
BRIDGET
We think we …
ANNIE
… We, we, we have a problem.
BRIDGET
It’s like this.
NICK
Go on then, tell him.
HECTOR
Yes, Bridget.
BRIDGET
Hector, the thing is …
NICK
Stay there, I’ll talk to him.
Hector, can I have a word please?
HECTOR
Oh …
Sound of door being slammed
BRIDGET and ANNIE
Ricky Martin!
NICK
Hector, is this you?
HECTOR
Yes, and my parents.
NICK
The Romero family.
One of the richest families in Argentina.
Who are these?
HECTOR
My …
NICK
… Servants.
HECTOR
Yeah, my servants.
NICK
Your cars?
HECTOR
Yeah, my cars.
NICK
Hector, you are rich!
Why stay here?
HECTOR
I want friends, good friends.
NICK
People like you for your money?
That’s awful!
[Erm] listen, keep it a secret. Sshh.
HECTOR
OK!
BRIDGET
Perhaps he could stay here.
ANNIE
Yes – poor boy
NICK
Hector, come and stay with me, I have two rooms.
BRIDGET
Shut up, Nick.
ANNIE
Hector will stay with us, won’t you, Hector.
BRIDGET
Hector, come and – sit down.
Hector please, call me Gigi!
ANNIE
Oh, Charley, there you are.
HECTOR
Oh Annie, the dog is in the ov-en.
ANNIE
The oven?
HECTOR
Yes, Nick is a good English teacher.
BRIDGET
Yes, a very good English teacher!
I’d love to see your photos again.
ANNIE
Oh, me too!
BRIDGET
Oh, your sweet toy cars!
NICK
They are not toys!
BRIDGET
Today Hector arrives and it’s Bonfire Night.
Let’s party!
What sort of music do you like?
HECTOR
Music?
NICK
Yeah, music, you know, soul, funk, dance.
Watch me, like this.
HECTOR
Interesting.
I dance – like this. [Oh!].
Intercom buzzing noise
ANNIE
I’ll get it, I’ll get it.
Hello.
Oh, yeah, that’s great, sure, come up.
It’s the landlady!
NICK
The tarantula!
BRIDGET
Quick, hide, Hector.
NICK
I’m off, I owe two week’s rent!
Dog barks
BRIDGET and ANNIE
Aaah!!
COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA – the flat mates go shopping for Hector.
Hector goes shopping for the girls.
But what happens when Hector goes shopping for himself?
EXTRA – don’t miss it!