A man rushes into the flower shop and tells the clerk that he needs two potted geraniums,
immediately! Clerk: "Sorry, we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Customer (sadly): "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was
gone."
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14. At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about
that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
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The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher
asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north
latitude, and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
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16. Angie and Jessica were discussing their busy schedules. Angie said, "Jessica, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?" "My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up
at six o'clock sharp." "You wake up at six o'clock?" "Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what
time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
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17. Doug brought his new colleague, Mike, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door, Doug's wife rushed up, threw her arms around him and kissed him. "My goodness," said Mike, "and how long have you been married?" "22 years," replied Doug. "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years." "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
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18. As tourists in a museum pass exhibits of dinosaur bones, one tourist asks the guard: "Can you tell me how old those bones are?" "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old," says the guard. "That's an awfully precise number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age to the month?" "Well, the bones were 3 million years old when I started working here," the guard says, "and that was four and a half years ago."
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19. Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Doug, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Doug replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Doug went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife... "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic we went to?"
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20. An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" asked her alarmed mother. "It wasn’t easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me to catch him."
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21. Eight-year-old Jane brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Jane is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Jane's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Jane because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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22. A housewife with three small children was getting dinner ready, when the telephone rang. The six-year-old picked it up, and said, "Hi, Daddy!", and began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister, as it was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the wife's turn to talk, she took the receiver, and said, "Hi, Hon." "Thank goodness, Lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered has arrived!"
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23. A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me." "Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this problem, but the treatment will cost you somewhere between twenty and thirty thousand dollars." "Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make
friends with them."
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24. An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist...."Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.
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25. A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells PIG!!! The man immediately leans out his window and yells, BITCH!! They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.
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26. Eight-year-old Jane brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Jane is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Jane's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Jane because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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27. A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
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FULL PARTICULARS FREE
They were seated in a tramcar--the mother and her little boy. The conductor eyed the little boy suspiciously. He had to keep a lookout for people who pretended that their children were younger than they really were, in order to obtain free rides for them. "And how old is your little boy, madam, please?" "Three and a half," said the mother truthfully. "Right, ma'am," said the conductor, satisfied. Little Willie pondered a minute. It seemed to him that fuller information was required. "And mother's thirty-one," he said politely.
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A CONNOISSEUR
Two brothers were being entertained by a rich friend. As ill luck would have it, the talk drifted away from ordinary topics. "Do you like Omar Khayyam?" thoughtlessly asked the host, trying to
make conversation. The elder brother plunged heroically into the breach. "Pretty well," he said,
"but I prefer Chianti." Nothing more was said on this subject until the brothers were on their way
home. "Bill," said the younger brother, breaking a painful silence, "why can't you leave things that
you don't understand to me? Omar Khayyam ain't a wine, you chump; it's a cheese."
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LIST OF AUTHORS
On my first day of college, I took a front row seat in my literature course. The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of