Twenty-four. Sephy

 

Mother didn't understand my decision. How could she, when I barely understood it myself?

'You said you were coming home with me,' Mother reminded me.

'There's been a change of plan. Callum's mum said I could stay with her so I've decided to . . . to live with her instead.'

'Why?' Mother asked quietly. 'To punish me?'

'It wasn't like that,' I insisted.

'Sephy, d'you want to live with Callum's mother?'

'She's got no one else,' I replied.

'That doesn't answer my question,' said Mother.

She'd noticed.

I'd taken the coward's way out and phoned Mother on the morning of my departure from the hospital. And even though I couldn't actually see her, I could still hear the hurt in her voice. And in some ways it was worse because my imagination filled in the blanks. My mind painted a picture of the bewilderment on her face, the disappointment clouding her eyes.

'I'm sorry, Mother,' I tried again.

'I thought you were serious about the two of us putting the past behind us and starting again

'I was. I am.'

But Mother wasn't listening. And I couldn't really blame her.

'So you'd rather live in some hut with a nought than come home with me?' asked Mother.

'I'd rather go where I won't hear comments like that,' I replied. 'And I thought Meggie was once your friend?'

'I didn't mean it,' Mother said instantly. 'I just don't understand you, Persephone.'

'You never tried to in the past and it's too little too late now,' I lashed out.

Silence.

'I see,' Mother said at last.

'Mother, I don't want to fight with you. I'm too tired. I'll come and see you as soon as I get settled,' I told her.

'Goodbye, Persephone,' said Mother.

'Bye, Mother.'

Mother put the phone down first – but not before I heard her sniff and caught the catch in her throat. She was crying. It made me want to cry too. Mother was crying.

I'd done that.

* * *

 

So Callie, here I am at Meggie's. I've been here for almost a month now. She lives in a two-up, two-down house but it's warm and clean and better than I've been in recently so I can't complain. Meggie sleeps in the smaller bedroom upstairs. I have the bigger one. We argued about that until Meggie put her foot down and said that there were two of us and only one of her so it was only right we had the bigger bedroom. The bathroom is opposite my bedroom which is handy. Downstairs, there's a kitchen and a living room with a burgundy sofa and a light beige armchair which don't match – but who cares? The TV sits selfconsciously in one corner. The ancient music centre sits in another. Meggie has a courtyard garden. It's smaller than her living room, but it's enough to dry your clothes when they've just come out of the washing machine. So the house is fine. The area is something else again though.

When I phoned Minerva to ask about her new job at the Daily Shouter and to check that Mother was OK, she was horrified when I told her where I was going to live.

'But it's really rough around there,' she told me.

'No rougher than anywhere else,' I replied.

'Are you kidding?' Minerva scoffed. 'My first assignment was to interview a woman just a couple of streets away from where you are now. On the way back to the office I was ambushed.'

'What d'you mean?' I asked sharply. 'Are you all right? Were you hurt?'

'No. Some nought creep pushed me against the wall and asked me what I had for him,' Minerva said with disgust.

'What happened?'

'He took my purse and my mobile phone, then ran off,' said Minerva. 'Bastard! But it could've been worse.'

'You were unlucky—' I began.

'Sephy, the majority of the rapes and murders in this country are committed by noughts. You remember that,' Minerva told me.

'That's such a simplistic argument – and you know it,' I shot back at her.

'It's the truth.'

'The truth or manipulated statistics? Besides, even if that's true, which I don't believe it is for a second, that doesn't mean that every nought is a criminal.'

'But the ones that are don't walk around with the word stamped on their forehead,' said Minerva.

'So you're saying I shouldn't trust any nought?'

'I'm saying you should be careful,' said Minerva.

'I prefer to trust people no matter who they are until they give me a reason not to – not the other way round,' I told her.

'Which is why you always end up getting hurt,' Minerva told me.

And I couldn't think of a single thing to say to that. I decided to change the subject before we ended up screaming down the phone at each other.

'Congratulations on getting your job,' I said.

'I'm on six months' probation,' Minerva told me. 'I won't get the really big stories for a while yet. Like I said, I'm only a junior reporter at the moment.'

'You'll breeze through it,' I said.

'I hope so. I've reported on two nought assaults and a fire at a warehouse so far – as well as a kitten stuck in a tree and the local sweet shop being flooded out.'

'Two assaults? They're launching you in at the deep end, aren't they?'

'Not really. They were both nought-on-nought crimes and no Crosses were involved, so they were minor league stories,' Minerva dismissed.

'Not to the Noughts involved,' I replied.

Couldn't Minerva hear herself? Could she sound any more like Dad?

Minerva sighed. 'I didn't mean that the way it sounded.'

I let it slide. We chatted for a few more minutes until I learned that Mother was really down but not drinking. I was grateful for that at least.

Meggie and I still haven't quite settled into a routine yet. To be honest I feel like I'm tiptoeing across eggshells around her. And Callie, you cry such a lot. I feed you and change you and try to make sure you're not too hot and not too cold but you still cry. And after hours and hours of crying, I just want to scream at you to please, please stop. I don't know what you want. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I feel like such a failure. I pick you up and hold you to me and that usually – eventually – calms you down. But then as soon as I try to put you back in your cot, you start up again.

'You shouldn't keep picking her up all the time,' Meggie told me. 'That's why she cries whenever she's away from you. If you just left her, after a day or two of crying, she'd soon get used to not being held all the time.'

'I'm not going to leave Callie crying in her cot,' I told Meggie.

'It works,' Meggie insisted. 'Callum was exactly the same when he was a baby and . . .'

Meggie's voice trailed off. What was she going to say? It never did him any harm – in fact it did him good? Made him self-sufficient? Self-reliant?

'I'm sorry,' said Meggie unexpectedly. 'I'm doing exactly what I promised you I wouldn't do. You do what you think is best.'

I watched as Meggie left my room, before picking you up, Callie. I walked round and round the room, whispering soothing things into your ear and praying that you'd soon get tired enough to go to sleep. I felt like I was about to drop. It wasn't just the regularly interrupted nights. More wearing than any of that was the gnawing guilt I felt every second of every day. So many things to feel guilty about. And not being able to stop my own baby from crying just added to my sense of worthlessness.

It was like the first time I bathed you, Callie. I was so scared. Meggie asked me if I needed any help but I turned her down. I didn't want her to think I didn't have a clue, when in truth that was exactly how I felt. I ran the water in the bathtub and checked the temperature whilst you lay in your carry-cot on the linoleum bathroom floor. I did all the things I was supposed to do. I checked the temperature with my fingers, the back of my hand and my elbow. Then rechecked the temperature. I undressed you and put you carefully into the water. And then it all went wrong. I tried to hold onto your arm, whilst supporting your head with my forearm, but when you started to mew, I realized I was gripping your arm too tightly. I slackened my grip and turned to grab the soap from the side of the bathtub with my other hand, but then your head flopped off my forearm and your whole body started sliding further into the water. Panicking, I yanked you back up again but I did that too hard and you let me know it. You howled. I took you out of the water, your wet body dripping down my shirt – and burst into tears. I couldn't even give my own daughter a bath. How pathetic was that? Meggie came in and took a nanosecond to realize I was in a right state.

'Let's bathe her together – OK?'

I nodded, gulping down my tears. Meggie kneeled down beside me and supervised whilst I had another go at bathing you, Callie. And this time I did better.

I never realized before just how exhausting looking after a baby would be. I never realized how you never get a break, how you have to be on call twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. And babies don't understand 'Just give me five minutes' or 'Not now, I'm tired'.

I try to catch up on all my other household stuff when you're asleep, Callie – like the washing and ironing – but I move like a tortoise, I'm that tired. If it wasn't for Meggie helping or insisting that I try to get some sleep when my daughter does, I don't know what I would've done. Thank goodness I didn't have to take you back to my bedsit. I can't imagine how I would've coped if I'd been alone with you.

Then I think of Callum and what we're all missing because we're not together. How much more fulfilling it would've been if Callum was here to share it with me. With us. Then all my problems would've shrunk to the size of full stops. Those are the worst times, when I hold you, Callie, and think of your father. Or when I lie in bed and dream of him.

Why is nothing ever easy, Callie? I so wanted you to have your dad's surname of McGregor. You'd think I'd be able to declare your name was Callie Rose McGregor and put that name on your birth certificate and that'd be the end of it. But no. Apparently, as Callum and I weren't married, I need Callum's permission to use his surname. I explained to the woman at the registry office that Callum wasn't in a position to give his permission but she wasn't having any of it.

'You'll have to consult a solicitor then,' she told me. 'But I warn you now, it's a lengthy and complicated process.'

So I'm waiting to get more settled and then I'll go and see a solicitor about having your surname changed legally. But what a big song and dance about something which should be perfectly straightforward.

I stopped walking and glanced at you. You weren't asleep but at least you were no longer crying. I'd taken just a step towards your carry-cot, when the peal of the doorbell made me jump. And you started crying again. I cursed. Meggie didn't get many visitors. I didn't get any. So why did someone have to come calling at just that moment? I carried on walking around the room.

'Callie, please stop crying,' I pleaded.

As if you heard me, you began to quieten down. For once.

'Sephy, it's for you,' Meggie called upstairs.

Frowning, I carried Callie downstairs. Had Mother finally decided to come and see me in person in an effort to change my mind? But it wasn't Mother at all. It was Jaxon, the boy with the guitar I'd met in the hospital.

'Hello,' I said, eyes wide.

'Bet you weren't expecting to see me,' Jaxon grinned up at me.

'You've come to see me?'

'That's right,' Jaxon nodded.

'Is something wrong with Roxie?' I asked.

Roxie, his sister must've sent him. She was really nice but we hadn't been in touch since we'd both left hospital on the same day.

'No. She's fine. In fact – perfect,' said Jaxon. He looked around. 'Any chance of a sit down?'

'Sorry. Through there.' I indicated the living room on my left.

'Anyone for a cup of tea?' Meggie called out from the kitchen.

'No, thanks,' I replied.

'I'd love one,' Jaxon called out.

Jaxon sat down at one end of the burgundy sofa. I think he expected me to sit down at the other end of it, but I sat in the armchair instead. He regarded me speculatively. I bent my head to kiss Callie on her forehead, mainly so that Jaxon wouldn't see the unease in my eyes. What did he want? I forced myself to look straight at him. He smiled at me. I didn't smile back as I waited for him to speak.

'I'll get right to it then,' said Jaxon.

'I'm listening.'

'You've got a good voice.'

'Pardon?'

'A good singing voice. In fact you have a great singing voice,' Jaxon explained. 'And I've got a band together but we need a female singer. We'd split all the money we make four ways. Equal shares.'

'Wait,' I frowned. 'You want me to join your group?'

'That's right.'

Except he hadn't actually asked me anything yet. I sat back in the armchair, unimpressed.

Jaxon regarded me in silence, then sighed. 'OK. Can I start again?'

'I think you'd better.'

'I play the guitar in a group. My mate Rhino plays the drums and Sonny plays the keyboards and bass guitar.' Jaxon was now talking to me like a human being. I started to listen. 'We've been told we'd get more gigs if we had a female singer. When you sang with me in the hospital, you were good.'

Right up until Jaxon had verbally abused the poor Cross nurse who'd only been doing her job.

'I've discussed it with Rhino and Sonny and we've all agreed that we'd like you to join us,' said Jaxon. 'Like I said, everything we earn would be split four ways.'

'What kind of places d'you play at?'

'Clubs, pubs, weddings, parties – anywhere that pays,' Jaxon told me.

'And what kind of music do you play?'

'Like I said, anything that pays,' Jaxon said.

'Don't you write your own songs then?' I asked, surprised.

'Yeah, but no one wants to hear them,' said Jaxon, a trace of bitterness in his voice.

'Why not? I don't understand.'

'We sing lots of cover versions. Club managers like the old standards,' Jaxon explained. 'We try to slip in a couple of original songs towards the end of our set but we don't always get the chance.'

'So why me?' I asked.

'You can sing . . .'

'So can lots of other girls. Why me?'

'D'you want the truth?'

'Always.'

'We'd get more gigs in Cross clubs if we had you as our lead singer,' said Jaxon.

I'd asked for honesty and I'd certainly got it. The bottom line was that Jaxon wanted to use me. Well, that was OK, because I'd be using him and his band to make some money of my own. It was definitely tempting. I'd be making a living of sorts and it wouldn't be something I'd have to do every day so I wouldn't have to be away from Callie for more than a few hours at a time. If I did this, I could keep my word to Meggie and chip in something towards the cost of the bills.

'D'you have a gig lined up?' I asked.

'Is this Saturday too soon?' Jaxon grinned at me.

'Saturday? You mean the Saturday in four days' time?' I squeaked.

'Yep!'

'But I don't know any of your songs or your arrangements,' I panicked. 'You might all play in a key I can't reach or sound awful in. I might. . .'

Meggie came in with a cup of tea and handed it to Jaxon.

'Thanks,' Jaxon smiled at her.

'Everything OK?' Meggie asked me.

'Jaxon wants me to join his group,' I told her.

'What kind of group?' Meggie asked sharply.

'A musical group,' Jaxon provided.

'Singing?' Meggie visibly relaxed.

'That's right,' I told her.

'Does that mean you'll do it?' Jaxon asked.

I considered. I'd be earning money, which was a plus, but I'd have to sing in front of other people to do it. And I'd have to sing with Jaxon, who had a temper like an active volcano and a chip on his shoulder about Crosses the size of a giant redwood. Was it worth the hassle?

'I don't think so,' I said.

'Why not?'

'This isn't chopped liver in my hands, you know. I've got a baby to look after,' I told him.

'I can look after Callie for you,' Meggie leapt in.

I frowned at her. 'No. She's not even two months old yet. She needs me.'

'It would only be a rehearsal or two a week after work and then a gig on a Friday or a Saturday night,' Jaxon persisted. 'That's not too much to ask, is it? And we could make some serious money.'

'I've got a baby to look after,' I repeated.

'Sephy, it'll do you good to get out and about,' said Meggie. 'You've barely left this house since you came home from the hospital.'

Was I suddenly talking Martian? I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to go anywhere. And I certainly didn't want to stand up and sing in front of a load of strangers. What was this about? Was Meggie fed up with our company already?

'It's not that I'm chasing you out. Far from it. I love having you and Callie living here with me,' Meggie told me. 'But I'm worried about you, Sephy. You don't want to go anywhere or do anything.'

Well, I certainly wasn't going to argue in front of Jaxon.

'Thanks for the offer, Jaxon, but no thanks,' I told him.

Pursing his lips, he stood up. 'Look, if you change your mind, this is my address and phone number.' He handed over a business card, one of those you can get in any newsagent's where you key in your details and get a lot of cards for not much money. I took it without even looking at it. I wasn't going to sing in his band or anywhere else – and we both knew it.

I let Meggie see him to the door whilst I hugged you to me, Callie, nuzzling your forehead.

'What shall I tell you about your daddy today?' I asked you.

You looked up at me like you were ready to drink in every word.

'Callum's favourite food was roast lamb. He thought astrology was a load of bosh! Didn't believe in stars and planets telling his fortune or anyone else's. He once told me that the silliest thing a girl could ask a boy is "What's your star sign?"! I must admit I don't believe in that stuff either, but Callum was really scathing about it. He loved to draw. Animals pouncing mostly. And trees. Always lone trees in bleak landscapes. I didn't like them much . . .'

I trailed off when I realized I had company. Meggie was back in the room and watching me.

'Why were you so curt with that poor man?' asked Meggie.

'I wasn't aware I had been,' I told her. 'But I don't want to sing with him and I don't like being manoeuvred into something I don't want to do.'

'Sephy, you need to get out again. You haven't even taken Callie to see your mother yet. And you need to decide what you're going to do with your life,' Meggie told me. 'What're you going to do for money?'

'Oh, so that's it,' I said. 'Worried I won't pay my way?'

'No, of course not,' Meggie denied. 'But it's like you're closing in on yourself. You're letting your whole world revolve around Callie and that's not healthy.'

'When she's older then I can sort out what I'm going to do,' I told her.

'How much older?' asked Meggie. 'A month? A year? Ten years? Fifty years? When?'

'Meggie, stop pushing me!' I shouted. 'Why can't you just leave me alone?'

I obviously scared you, Callie, because you started crying.

'See what you've done,' I hurled at Meggie.

And before she had a chance to reply, I raced out of the room with you in my arms. Why didn't she understand? If I could've gone to Callum's grave and crawled in beside him with you in my arms, Callie, then I would've.

Why didn't anyone understand that?