CONFESSIONS OF A GALLOMANIAC
by F.M.Colby
Down to the outbreak of the war I had no more desire to converse with a Frenchman in his own language than with a modern Greek. I thought I understood French well enough for my own purposes, because I had read it off and on for twenty years, but when the war aroused sympathies and sharpened curiosities that I had not felt before, I realized the width of the chasm that cut me off from what I wished to feel. Nor could it be bridged by any of the academic, natural, or commercial methods that I knew of. They were either too slow or they led in directions that I did not wish to go. I tried a phonograph, and after many bouts with it I acquired part of a sermon by Bossuet and real fluency in discussing a quinsy sore throat with a Paris physician, in case I ever went there and had one. I then took fourteen conversation lessons from a Mme. Carnet, and being rather well on in years at the starts I should, if I had kept on diligently, have been able at the age of eighty-five to inquire faultlessly my way to the post-office. I could already ask for butter and sing a song written by Henry IV—when my teacher went to France to take care of her half-brother's children. I will say this for Mme. Carnet. I came to understand perfectly the French for all her personal and family affairs. No human being has ever confided in me so abundantly as she did. No human being has so sternly repressed any answering confidences of my own. Her method of instruction, if it was one, was that of jealous, relentless, unbridled soliloquy. 
Thrown on the world with no power of sustaining a conversation on any other subject than the members 
of the Carnet family, I nevertheless resolved to take no more lessons but to hunt down French people and make them talk. What I really needed was a governess to take me to and from my office and into the park at noon, but at my age that was out of the question. Then began a career of hypocritical benevolence. I scraped acquaintance with every Frenchman whom I heard talking English very badly, and I became immensely interested in his welfare. I formed the habit of introducing visiting Frenchmen to French-speaking Americans, and sitting, with open mouth, in the flow of their conversation. Then I fell in with M. Bernou, the commissioner who was over here buying guns, and whose English and my French were so much alike that we agreed to interchange them. We met daily for two weeks and walked for an hour in the park, each tearing at the other's language. Our conversations, as I look back upon them, must have fun about like this:
"It calls to walk," said he, smiling brilliantly.
"It is good morning," said I, "better than I had extended."
"I was at you yesterday the morning, but I did not find."
"I was obliged to leap early," said I, "and I was busy standing up straight all around the forenoon."
"The book I prayed you send, he came, and I thank, but positively you are not deranged?"
"Don't talk," I said. "Never talk again. It was really nothing anywhere. I had been very happy, I reassure."
"Pardon, I glide, I glode. There was the hide of a banana. Did I crash you "
“I notice no insults,” I replied. "You merely gnawed my arm."
Gestures and smiles of perfect understanding.
I do not know whether Bernou, who like myself was middle-aged, felt as I did on these occasions, but by the suppression of every thought that I could not express in my childish vocabulary, I came to feel exactly like a child. They said I ought to think in French but thinking in French when there is so little French to think with, divests the mind of its acquisitions of forty years. Experience slips away for there are not words enough to lay hold of it. From the point of view of Bernou's and my vocabulary, Central Park was as the Garden of Eden after six months—new and unnamed things everywhere.
A dog, a tree, a statue taxed all our powers of description, and on a complex matter like a policeman our minds could not meet at all. We could only totter together a few steps in any mental direction. Yet there was a real pleasure in this earnest interchange of insipidities and they were highly valued on each side.
After I lost Bernou I fastened upon an unfrocked priest who had come over here and gone into the shoe trade—a small, foxy man, who regarded me, I think, in the light of an aggressor. He wanted to become completely American and forget France, and I was trying to reverse the process. I rather got in his way.
Then I took to the streets at lunch-time and tried newsdealers, book-shops, restaurants, invented imaginary errands, bought things that I didn't want, and exchanged them for objects even less desirable. That kept a little conversation going day by day, but on the whole it was a dry season. It is a strange thing. There are more than thirty thousand of them in the city of New York, and I had always heard that the French are a clannish folk and hate to learn another language, but most of my overtures in French brought only English upon me. The more pains I took, the more desirable it seemed to them that I should be spared the trouble of continuing. I was always diving into French and they were always pulling me out again. They thought they were humane.
French people hate broken French worse than most of us hate broken English. But when dragged, out into the light of English I tried to talk just as foolishly in order that they might think it was not really my French that was the matter with me. Sometimes that worked quite well. Finding me just as idiotic in my own language they went back to theirs.
It certainly worked well with my friend M. Bartet, a paralytic tobacconist in the West Thirties near the river, to whom my relation was for several months that of a grandchild, though I believe we were of the same age. He tried to form my character by bringing me up on such praiseworthy episodes of his early life as he thought I was able to grasp.
Now at the end of a long year of these persistent puerilities I am able to report two definite results: in the first place a sense of my incapacity and ignorance infinitely vaster than when I began, and in the second a profound distrust of all Americans in the city of New York, who profess an acquaintance with French culture, including teachers, critics, theatre audiences, and patronesses of visiting Frenchmen.
I do not blame other Americans for dabbling in French, since I myself am the worst of dabblers. But I see no reason why any of us should pretend that it is anything more than dabbling. The usual way of reading French does not lead even to an acquaintance with French literature. Everybody knows that words in a living language in order to be understood have to be lived with. They are not felt as a part of living literature when you see them pressed out and labeled in a glossary, but only when you hear them fly about. A word is not a definite thing susceptible of dictionary explanation. It is a cluster of associations, reminiscent of the sort of men that used it, suggestive of social class, occupation, mood, dignity or the lack of it, primness, violence, pedantries, or platitudes. It hardly seems necessary to say that words in a living literature ought to ring in the ear with the sounds that really belong to them, or that poetry without an echo cannot be felt.
It may be that there is no way out of it. Perhaps it is inevitable that the colleges which had so long taught the dead languages as if they were buried should now teach the living ones as if they were dead. But there is no need of pretending that this formal acquaintance with books results in an appreciation of literature. No sense of the intimate quality of a writer can be founded on a verbal vacuum. His plots, his place in literature, his centre motives, and the opinion of his critics could all be just as adequately conveyed, if his books were studied in the language of the death and dumb. Of course, one may be drawn to an author by that process but it would hardly be the artistic attraction of literature; it is as if one felt drawn to a woman by an interest exclusively in her bones.
Elementary as these remarks may seem I offer them to Gallophiles without apology. On the contrary I rather fear that I am writing over their heads.
NOTES ON THE TEXT
1. Gallomaniac—one who is crazy about everything French (comp. Anglomania—англоманія);
2. down to—from an earlier period to some specified time or date;
3. off and on—from time to time, every now and then, not continuously, irregularly;
4. bout— (here) a period of active, strenuous activity; a fight, an attack, as a bout with an enemy, a boxing bout; also a fit of illness, as a bout of insomnia, a coughing bout, a drinking bout
5. Bossuet, Jacques Benign (1602-1704)—a French preacher and writer; tutor to the son of Louis XIV (1670-1681;
6. in case I ever went there and had one: the clause has a strong ironical ring, emphasizing the utter uselessness of the kind of knowledge he had obtained.
7. Mme. Carnet [ka:'net]— a certain Mme. Carnet
8. rather well on in years at the start— far from being young when I began;
9. I will say this for Mme. Carnet. There is one thing I can say in favor of Mme. Carnet;
10. soliloquy (fig.)—monologue; the string of epithets are used to emphasize that the author never had a chance of uttering a single word;
11. to sustain a conversation (lit.)—to keep up a conversation
12. to hunt down—to follow smb. till he is caught, as to hunt down a criminal, aspy,etc.
13. a career of hypocritical benevolence— a period of activity marked by showing false kindness and friendship;
14. to scrape acquaintance with—to get to know somebody without being formally introduced;
15. to fall in with—to meet by chance;
16. divests the mind of its acquisitions of forty years—makes a man forget everything he has learnt in the course of forty years;
17. 
Garden of Eden (bibl.)—the garden in which Adam and Eve lived
18. 
to tax one's powers—to put a strain on one's ability to..., as to tax one's patience
19. unfrocked priest—dismissed from priesthood for inappropriate behavior
20. took to the streets—started walking in the streets, got tolike walking in the streets; to take to sth.—todevelop a habit, a liking for, as to take to one's newteacher, to take to drinking;
21. a dry season(fig.)- an unprofitable season, a season one can't get much out of;
22. a clannish folk (folk)—people who stick together, cling to their language, customs and traditions;
23. overtures (pl)—an attempt, offer or proposal made to a person with the purpose of making friends with him (her) or to make peace; (sg.) introduction, as the overture to an opera;
24. the more pains I took—the harder I tried;; to take pains—to work hard, with great care, to take the trouble to;
25. that worked quite well—the desired effect was achieved;
26. the West Thirties near the river—the river is the Hudson;
27. persistent puerilities—the author's persistent attempts to behave in a silly childish way;
28. to profess—to claim falsely, to allege, to pretend;
29. todabble in—to study something just off and on, not seriously or continuously, as to dabble in music, politics, art,etc.;
30. a verbal vacuum—absence of a necessary vocabulary;
31. I am writing over their heads —Iam writing things they will not be able to understand.
ACTIVE WORDS
1. to converse – to talk informally;
2. curiosity – the desire to know or learn;
3. chasm – very deep crack or opening in the surface of the earth or ice;
4. to bridge – to connect, to link;
5. sermon - a talk usu. Based on a sentence from the Bible;
6. diligently – hardworking, showing steady effort ;
7. to confide - to tell secrets, personal matters etc to a person one trusts;
8. abundantly – more than enough;
9. sternly – very firm or hard towards other’s behavior;
10. confidence – faith, full trust;
11. to resolve – to decide;
12. immensely – very much;
13. suppress – to prevent from appearing;
14. to divest – to take off;
15. to totter – to move in an unsteady way from side to side;
16. insipidity – lack of the strong effect esp. a taste;
17. to reverse – to turn round in the opposite direction; to charge to the opposite;
18. errand – a short journey made to get sth;
19. to spare – to keep from giving someone sth unwelcome;
20. to dive – to jump head first into the water;
21. to drag – to pull along;
22. praiseworthy – deserving praise;
23. persistent – continuing in a habit of course;
24. incapacity - lack of ability or power;
25. ignorance – lack of knowledge;
26. to dabble – to study sth with some interest but without serious intentions;
27. to label - to put into a kind or class; describe as;
28. susceptible – easily influenced;
29. to convey – to make ideas, thoughts known;
30. apology – a statement expressing sorrow for a fault.